Grown Woman Code #1 

Just because someone likes you, doesn't mean they deserve access to you

Girl, can I tell you something?

For a long time, I thought if someone liked me, cared about me, was interested in me or even just seemed like a good person, 

that was enough reason to let them in.

 

{Not necessarily into my home.}

 

I mean into me.

 

My thoughts. My plans. My problems. My past. My relationships. My time. My emotional space.

If I liked you, I was open.

 

If we connected, I shared.

 

If you needed me, I showed up.

 

And if you seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me, I didn't see much reason to hold back.

 

I thought that was what being authentic looked like.

But as I've gotten older, I've realized something:

 

Being authentic doesn't mean everybody gets access to everything.

Privacy isn't dishonesty.

Discernment isn't being mean.

And having boundaries doesn't mean you've suddenly become cold.

 

Sometimes it simply means you've finally learned that access to you should have levels.

 

 

 

Think about how quickly we sometimes allow people into our lives.

You meet someone you're interested in and within a few weeks they know your childhood wounds, your ex's business, your family drama, what you're insecure about, what you're looking for in a relationship and exactly how badly you want one.

Girl...

they haven't even passed the background check yet. 😂

And this isn't only about dating.

We do it with friendships.

Coworkers.

Family.

Social media.

Anybody who makes us feel seen for five minutes can suddenly find themselves sitting in rooms within us that took years to build.

Then we're shocked

when somebody mishandles something we gave them access to before we knew whether they were capable of handling it.

That realization changed the way I think about boundaries.

Because sometimes the question isn't: “Why did they do that to me?”

 

Sometimes there's another question worth asking:

“Why did I give them that much access to me?”

Not to blame ourselves for someone else's behavior.

 

But because our access is one of the few parts of the situation we actually control.

"Everybody doesn't 
deserve the same version
of you"

This is something I'm learning more and more as I grow.

 

Everybody can know me without knowing me deeply.

 

Read that again.

Someone can enjoy my company without knowing my private business.

Someone can date me without immediately knowing every painful thing I've survived.

Someone can be related to me without having unlimited access to my decisions.

Someone can follow me online without knowing every detail of my personal life.

Someone can disagree with a boundary without receiving an explanation for it.

 

Proximity doesn't automatically equal privilege.

 

And I think a lot of us were taught the opposite.

Especially if you're naturally giving, helpful or open-hearted.

We were taught that being a “good woman” means being available.

Understanding.

Accommodating.

Transparent.

Forgiving.

Accessible.

But nobody really taught us how to determine:

Who has earned access to what?

I don't want walls, just gates 

I'm not interested in becoming the woman who trusts nobody.

I don't want to walk through life suspicious of everybody.

And I definitely don't believe healing means becoming cold.

I still want to love deeply.

Laugh loudly.

Have beautiful friendships.

Fall in love.

Be generous.

Tell stories.

Be vulnerable.

Live.

Ask Yourself This Before You Let Someone In
 What has this person actually demonstrated that makes me feel safe giving them this level of access? 

Not:

Do they like me?

Not:

Do I like them?

Not:

Do we have chemistry?

Not:

Have we been talking every day?

What have they demonstrated?

Consistency?

Respect?

Discretion?

Reciprocity?

Integrity?

Care?

The ability to hear “no” without punishing you for it?

Because liking you is easy.

Knowing how to handle you with care is different.

And that's why...

Grown Woman Code #1 

Everyone that likes you doesn't deserve access to you.

You don't have to become secretive.

You don't have to play hard to get.

You don't have to pretend you don't care.

You simply become more intentional about who gets what version of you—and when.

That's not playing games.

That's discernment.

And maybe becoming a grown woman isn't about becoming harder at all.

Maybe it's about becoming a much better gatekeeper of yourself.

But the deeper question is: 
Who Gets Access When You're Still Learning Who You Are?

Because it's difficult to protect your boundaries when you're still figuring out what they are.

It's difficult to recognize when you're overgiving if giving everything has always felt normal.

And it's difficult to protect yourself when you've spent most of your life learning everybody else instead of learning you.

That's one of the reasons I created the free Girl2Woman Mini Self-Discovery Reset.

Before we worry about who gets access to you, I want you to become reacquainted with the woman they're asking for access to.

Your preferences.

Your values.

Your beliefs.

Your patterns.

Your voice.

You. 

Because the more you know yourself, the easier it becomes to recognize what belongs in your life and what doesn't.

 

All the best friend, 

 

-Zada Monroe